My plans are still what I have told you they were. But How I will reach them is another thing entirely.

CPS (child protective services) was called to my home. and through this so much has gone on in such a short time.

My son's school tends to try to weed out "undesirables" , people they deem unworthy of their services through systematic herassment. Two other families have come forward and told of going through much the same as we did and ultimately they ended up home schooling their childern because of it.

The school informed me of an "on going problem." with my son (which we now know is encaprisis,which is common with childern of ADD.) and almost the next day CPS shows up at our door which makes me feel even more like this was all a set up. things went down hill from there.

My step father started making snidely comment here or there but I shrugged it off thinking that he couldn't possibly mean it and he must just be as stressed as we were. the charges against us were neglect. they even tried to say that my son had bad breath and must not be brushing when infact his dentist can attest that joshua has never had one cavity and almost always a perfect check up. just to give you all an idea of the bullshit they were trying to pull through CPS.

my child has been having bowl issues but he's been eating a steady diet of fruits and vegitables. his issues are not a direct or indirect result of anything I or anyone else in this house has done. the point is these were baseless claims and thanks to the efforts of myself and my family as well as the contacts we gave them they knew joshua was in good hands. and today the inspection happened and it was not a long and engaged inspection. anyone with eyes could see my son is more then well cared for as far as his basic needs and his emotional issues are more a left over from his mom (who joshua says did infact hit him like she did to me when we were together. you better believe my ex will never see my child again. but I digress.)

my health has been failing me for some time now. I had to drop two courses in two semesters and thanks to new state regulations on federal aid. I don't qualifiy for finacial aid and due to the droppings I have been told that despite working with OSD I am on suspention and cannot register for classes even if I wanted to. but my health got so much worse. I am sleeping a lot cause I cannot stay awake. my body hurts...think of a sprained muscle...now imagine that's your whole body. and all this hard working getting the house in order and running joshua around cause he hurt himself somehow in his leg. it's only made my body hurt more.  it's agony to move and it's agony to just be awake. then this comes along to make it worse.

So my step father and I started to fight. he kept on pushing me despite what I was talking about and despite the fact that sometimes I get headaches so bad I cannot stand for very long. and for the first time in a long ass time. my step father stepped over the line to say the worst thing he could ever say to me right at that point. he said  I needed to grow up. If this had any merrit to it then I wouldn't have cared I would have taken notice and manned up. but he...who was with me through out the worst of my depressions. who KNOWS how hard I have worked to become me and to fix myself and be happy with myself...he has the fucking balls to say he doesn't like who I am.

to top it all off my son's doctor basicly turned his back on us thanks to the CPS investigation. so now we must find a new one. he turned his back on his hypocratic oath over this.

and so I see now that my despite my step father's pledge to try to speak to me and to understand me more...there will never be a true us. he doesn't care about me the way he says he does and worst of all he acts like the support he gives me is grudgingly given to me. what happened to all that "finding jesus grounds me." crap? what happened to his faith making him a better person? instead it seems he does things only for the brownie points and not so much because he wants to. which is why I'd rather have an athiest help me out because at least  I know they are doing it not to be a good christian but because they actually want to.

I live in so much pain and he acts like I am doing it to slack off. that the things I invest in and the things I do both for my son and in my adult life are anything but. and what's worse is I cannot confront him on it. I know I need to let it go and I will but it's so fucked up that it took CPS investigation for me to learn where I stand in my step fathers eyes. and yet he wants me to call him father cause he feels step father distances him from me or is disrespectful. respect works both ways and when I find him constantly talking down to me....when I find that he does things that hurt and says "one day you'll understand and do it too." in that smug way that makes you want to punch him if only to get him to pay attention. he's turning into this monster who thinks he knows everything and instead he doesn't see the hurt that he does. and he's allowed to do it. in the end,outside of my friends I can see there is no real support there from him. I can only rely on myself as I have for so long. if only he see what it feels like to be his step son he might understand that he's becoming the stereyotype of the type of christian I do not like the ones who feel they are doing it for your own good and not realizing the destruction they are wrought upon you. or if they do see it they are dissasociative from it so that it's not them doing it to you or else it's because you deserve it.

Ever since my Step father has found religion he has changed and not for the better. often times he is still very angery despite telling me that the lord sooths him. other times he just says things thinking he knows best when he knows fuck all of what he speaks. I would never do half the things he says or does to my son because I have him as living example of why the things he does,does not work. and yet he thinks with enough prying he'll get me to be perfect in his eyes by becoming just like him. No and futher more Fuck you. if this is the price of your support while I make great strides to improve my adult life and get out on my own, he works to tear my down and bring me back to places I have long since left behind then I'd rather be out on the street. sadly because of my son this means that until I can support myself I am stuck here  under his house and his rules. and it only took CPS to make this all possible. Thank you school,thank you CPS.