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tonights little nugget of joy is streetfigther: the legend of chun-li. it stars some pretty big named stars Kristin Kreuk,Chris Klein,Neal McDonough,Robin Shou,Moon Bloodgood,Michael Clarke Duncan,and taboo (i'm not kidding that's his real name.) with such an allstar cast and great franchise this has to be better then the last outing doesn't it...i mean people learn from thier mistakes right...right??? let's find out as i review streetfighter legend of chun-li.

the credits roll and already your mind is put at ease after all capcom's name is splashed all over the beging production credits [link] so they must have works very hard with film makers to make a great movie right?

well then we get a look at the title screen... [link] the font for "STREET FIGHTER" is directly taken from the box art of the video game that had just come out STREET FIGTHER 4. that should tell you everything you need to know about this movie right there.

and so it begins. with a voice over by kristin kreuk (smallsvilles lana lang.) talking about how she always wanted to be a concert pianist....yes cause when i think chun-li [link] i think piano. anyways we see chun-li age 5 playing beautiful piano with her father. but things seem to not be so happy as the family for reason chun'li doesn't know about yet,keep on moving to new houses and eventualy end up in hong kong.

eventualy chun-li sees her father practicing wooshoo (not sure if i spelled that write and starts to train with her father finding a new way to bond while learning how to kick ass. fast forward 5 years later and we see that dream life chun-li had is about to come to an end.

enter our main villians, chun-li's father is having a dinner of some sort when who should break in but bolrog played by Michael Clarke Duncan [link] to his credit and costuming he is the only one who even closely respembles his videogame counter part. [link] chun-li's dad chicks alot of ass even making a makeshift fireball on one of the baddies when who should arrive but chun-li to watch it all unfold.

then the movie really starts to pick up...if you cannot tell i am being sarcastic and our main villain M.bison arives on the scene played by the horribly misscast Neal McDonough [link] because oh yeah when i think m.bison [link] oh yeah i think of [link]

oh it gets better. not only does m.bison not have psycho kenetic powers in this movie he also, for reasons that defy all possible logic, has an irish accent. pay close attention to that fact kids as it comes into play soon enough.

so chun-li is asked by bison to go to her room in that oooh so dream irish broowd and she does so when her father demands it. from her window chun-li watches as her father is taken away in cars and her mother gets bitch slapped..but lives. why....i have no clue.

we then cut to a scene of chun-li taking out a pendant...but not just any pendant this has a two sided engraving of a bird that when spun makes the pird fly. we then get a flash back of her daddy presenting it to her. [link] this couldn't be a plot device of some sort could it...naaa the movie wouldn't stoop so low would it??? again something to keep in mind.

we then pan over a concert piano and the now 20 something chun-li actualy being played by Kristin Kreuk, she then goes back stage and gets two things flowers and a mysteriooous scroll. what it says she has no friggin idea. could this be a mccguffin...oh yes you are you are a good lil' mcguffin aren't you...no go boy advance the plot now good boy.

chun-li then goes home with the scroll where we see her mother is in bed with her head wrapped and is i guess dying we never know why or what it just is cause the script wills it to be. there is a touching scene i guess where chun-li speaks of the concert and looks upon her mom with sad eyes outside of givign us an idea that the "last" bit of her family is dying it's completley useless.

cut to m.bison talking to heads of all the crime familes in hong kong and tells them in no uncertain terms that he will now be running things and they can either join him or die. of course they all would rather die to which they leave only to be cut down by vega play be taboo....seriously here is the imdb so you know i am not making this up. [link] and here he is.[link] it's a decent attempt at vega [link] but ultiamtley i felt it was done way better in the van dame street fighter he didn't seem as vain as he was suppsoed to be in the game.

day light finds us at a dock where we meet Moon Bloodgood (pre terminator.) playing detective maya who i think is suposed to be the real name of crison viper but i wouldn't bet on it so much. anyways she gets teamed up with charlie nash (pre-blanka days.) played by Chris Klein [link] he is one the people who also is the fatherest thing from their video game counter part [link] and is another horrible casting choice. klien what the fuck are you doing here you are too good for this kind of crap.

as nash he plays against character as a womanizing police detiective that's part of a specail forces unit hunting m.bison..who most people regaurd as just a myth. clien delivers such lack luster lines with such lackluster enthusiasum like "this guy walks through the rain drops, anybody that's against him is either dead...or on their way there." -face to palm- anyways they find a shipping create with all the heads of the crime families in hong kong..littley all their heads in the crearte. ues lovely.

cut to bison talking to chun-li's father..wait he's alive...okay..anyways bison gives the father a thumb drive of his daugthers performance...so bison has been watching her to try to get what he wants out of the father. what is it he wants?? to discuss that he is the only one who survived the "attack" on shadaloa and asks the father to get to the hong kong banks families for i guess black mail still never really telling us his master plan.

cut to a feuneral for chin-li's mother yeah she died whoopti doo...we see a more traditional chinese fenerul.

then it's mcgufin time again kids chun-li leaves with the sroll and aquest to find out what it means. she is almsot littlery swept by a man with a broom into an acient chinese antique shop where she meets a lady who shows her the spiderweb symbol and tries to tell her she needs to find gen, that she needs to go to bangkok and become one with the people then gen will find her.

we get a montage of chun-li leaving home and going to bangkok and being in the slums of china....then we get the exposition we've been waiting for. bisons plans. and what is his plans? why releastate [link] , [link] "OF COURSE!" (yes i know the nestaglia critic uses this picture alot but when somethign fits here it just fits so roll with it."

to be more exact he is going to flood the slums so full of crime that it drives prices of said propety down so he can by it at base bottom prices.....[link] "OF COURSE!" during this exchange we find out that something called the "white rose" has been found and bison orders it to be brought to him imediately. we alos here bolrog talk about chun-li being in bangkok and referse to her as the "school girl." again keep this in mind with the other two points cause it will be on the test later.

so back to chun-li on the streets she is given an egg roll at no cost by a market lady and then at night she saves a chinese man thought the power of streetfighter...er i mean wooshoo..but then colapses from hunger. she is rescue[link] by gen played by Robin Shou...no where have i heard that name before, i swear i have heard of this actor in another movie that involved fighting..and it was based on a game too and ...god it's on the tip of my toungue...it it's holy fucking shit it's lui kang from mortal kombat! [link] ,[link] "OF COURSE!" quiet you....don't believe me here is the imdb on robin shou [link] go a head scroll down i'll wait. did you see it...-starts breaking into hystterics.- liu kang hahahaha...is in..hahahahaha...a streetfighter movie hahahahahahahahahahaha...how does this make any sense what so ever hahahaha omg why does this film not cancel itself out due to a temperal paradoz cause i swear there is a natural law being broken here. i just can't believe it. -takes a moment and a break from the review to calm down.- .....

okay okay so...ahahahaha...hahahahaha...i can't do it...i jsut can't do it i cannot take this movie seriously when you hit me with a character actor from a competing movie this just seems wrong. okay movie on.

so gen beats chun-li up and then shows her his fire ball and no that's not an enuendo...so she tries it and sees she can not do it..her ball is not as big as his...what too early?

after more training montage chun-li goes out to find out about m.bison and finds some articles on him in an interent cafe. so now she has her target and knows the company bison works for. why people in the police think m.bison is a myth when he is photographed in a news paper is well your guess is as good as mine here i don't think they thought this movie through.

cut to men in a baord room signing a paper we find that m.bison now owns the slums he was born in and more. he wastes no time in shoowing everyone out of his slums now and we hear more ramblings about this plan of releastate but he doesn't say much more then he already did so this is just filler.

we then cut to the next day with kline and bloodgood staking out where balrog is trying to find out what he is up to. as bolorgo exists he looks in klines direction to which he kisses bloodgood passionatley to cover up the fact that they are staking balrog out. they conveiently miss where balrog actualy switches cars and leaves without them....after the lip lock kline says "that had to be done." to which bloodgood says "yeah had to...." this is also a key plot hole as you wil lsee in the end of the movie.

balrog now muscles the comerce general so that the "white rose" can be safely let into the harbor without any customes bullshit. then more training with chun-li as she shows her skills blindfolded and almost gets cut in half by a table saw...how delightlful.

cut back to charlie and maya and we find out maya is a freak as she has golden handcuffs still attatched to her bed charlie figures out that bisons girl Cantana...i am not joking here...catana with a c not a k you mortal kombat fans...is going to a night club they figure they can squeeze on her there and find out what bison is planing. catana arrives just at the clubn and is....checking out the ladies [link] "OF COURSE!" why who the hell knows is she gay and jsut with bison for his power or bi...i wish i knew this movies not big on expositions when needed. so chun-li has a semi hot dance with catana, they go to the bathroom,persumably to put on make up and talk about boys,why else would two women go into the bathroom together - a person comes off screen and whispers into my ear- uh huh,uh huh...uh..wait really...they can do that...without a man? the devil you say. well okay. so anyways chun-li kick the tar out of cantana and this would be hot if cantana was all the much to look at as well as the fact that it's more brutal then sexy. eventauly chun-li traps canatan in a very painful arm lock and she squeals like a pig about what bison is after the white rose.rememeber when balrog tells bison about "the school girl." and i told you to remember it. well after she gets the information chun-li tells cantana to give bison a message that "the school girls all grown up." hellllooo how can she know their nickename for her when no one has called her that!!! wtf?!?

a fight breaks out in the club and amongst the fighter chun-li gets cornered. so she does what chun-li does best and no i don't mean staring in gang bang hentai you sicko's...remember that amulet boys and girls well here is what the device is used for. [link] it's a spinng bird while she does a kick..a spinning bird kick get it...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha littelry a spinning bird.....kick hahahahhahahahaha [link] "OH COURSE!" you i'm not talking to.

anways she gets away by the skin of her teeth bless her heart, by jumping off the roof of the club...in heels. i'd have taken a picture but you wouldn't believe me even if i showed you. she jumped off a roof....in heels and just walks away. i am barely holding onto my sanity as i review this i honestly cannot see how that is even slightly possible not pumps heeeeels...off a rooooof. i mean wow i wow.

we then open to a scene of m.bison showing his softer kinder side, by beating the living shit out his girl. [link] violence against women...seriously??? what's next is he going to start eating live babies....[link] oh god damnit! okay not really i put that dialogue in there this is actuauly from bisons orgin story and is not much better to be honest.

so we see charlie and mya scowering the streets trying to find chun-li but no one wants to rat her out and we learn of the orgin of m.bison. it seems he was very ill as a child and abandoned as a baby to a bangkok orphanage. remember when i said to keep in mind that m.bison in the movie talks with an irish broowd yeah keep that in mind as i go along. so we see the orphanage and a baby that is suposed to be bison but is clearly an asian baby lol. [link] and thus bison grows in in bangkok..... let that one sink in for a moment. he has an irish accent and grew up his entire life in a bangkok orphanage run by chinese people..... -takes a deep breath and.- HOW CAN YOU HAVE AN IRISH ACCENT IF YOU LIVED SINCE A BABY IN CHINA!!! ACCENTS ARE NOT GENETIC!!! -takes another moment to compose himself.-

and so it goes that bison was always 50/50 some good but mostly bad and did bad things as a kid and younge adult becoming more and more feared and theft on the streets. so he brigns his new wife to a cave said to have the darkforces within it said to free a man from his conscience. in the orgina bison lays his pregant wife down in the cave...undresses her...and then...using only the power of his hands he bursts into the womans belly and takes the baby out alive. i honestly wish i was making this shit up. [link] do i even need to explain how horrificaly awful and impossible this is? you can't push into the womans belly without killing the baby not to mention how hard it would be to break through the skin and the uterus to get to the baby....i don't think i can finish this review why oh why is this sooo bad.

-slaps himself in the face...then does it again and comes to his senses.- i'm going to finish this review even if it kills me. so apprently it works and bison becaomes a criminal without a conscience..what happens the baby did he kill it...you just have to find out like the rest of us did.

so chun-li goes out and balrog shows up the take on gen but not by himself he has shadaloa people come in to try to kick gens ass with the power of mp5 machine guns...cause that's how he rolls. when that enevitably fails balrog launches an rpg into the dojo killing everyone inside. chun-li comes in just in time to see the place burn...damn and here i thought the movie was going to be over. -sigh- okay anyways

so then m.bison hires vega to kill chun-li. that goes about as well as you'd expect it to. she kicks his ass and string him up but he doesn't die of course. it's a very lack luster affair and well taboo as vega was just horrible as you hear him speak and you realize why he doesn't have many other staring roles.

chun-li eventualy beats a harbor shipping master to get an idea of when the white rose is coming in and then we find out that after the night club stunt the investigation has been halted so now maya is off the case.

pan to when the dockmaster said the white rose was coming in and we find out that chun-li's been set up by the dockmaster who called bison and ...you get the idea the standard cliche where the bad guy sends armed morons who can't shoot for shit to assasinate a hero who won't die. hilarrity...i'm sorry mindless fighting ensues and chun-li tries to escape but she ends up rolling off a moving semi which stops and 30 men with guns get out and bison is there too. so chun-li gets captured by bison.

so we cut to day break and we find chun-li tied to a chair...balorg admires her cause as we all know black men have a thing for white women lol or at least the movie renforces the jungle feaver stereotype. chun-li's farther is brought into the room...yeah..the bison snaps his neck in front of her..booooo. so then in typical villian fashion bison orders balorg to kill chun-li...balrog asks tweedle dee and tweedle dumb to kill her...cause you know she would have so much trouble beating two idiot gaurds...it's called LOOOGIIIIC!!!

she busts out...as if you honestly care how by now it's even too stupid to mention. and so balrog and more gaurds give chase throught the slums of china...when they finaly corner her they shoot at a boy who chun-li saves by taking a bullet to the arm. this prompts the people to throw fruit at the heaveily armed me. which leads to more and more people throwing food....despite having guns the men are drivin off by fruit. [link]

chun lee stumbles through the alleys loosing blood when she meets a stranger...wait that's not a stranger it'..it's gen!! [link] , [link] "what a twist!" least your not bison! so yeah gens so bad ass two bad movie reviews and a RPG can't kill this guy.

so no it's not a ghost it's the real gen somehow he survived what looked like a tactical nuke strike cause he's just so bad ass and dreamy! he heals a naked (no you don't get to see it pervs) chun-li and they train more now she has balls too....not litterly.

so chun-li finds charlie's apartment...how? cause the script wills it. and she talks to him about bison and being her back up cause she knows she'd get her ass handed to her trying to be a one woman army...cause after all women are weak without a man to help them.. yeah i found it sexist too.

anyways after chun-li goes back to the same dockmaster and this time he doesn't set her up charlie and maya..who's suddenly abck on the case, honestly i stopped trying to figure it out and hour and a half ago....they get ready double crossed by a bison that already figured out they were comign and set a bomb in the dockmasters house...how a team of highly trained swat could miss a bomb with flashing lights that big i don't know. so they blow up most of charlies team and bisons shadaloa toopers come in to attack. mean while gen has found the boat with the white rose on it and also balrog.

you'd think they'd kill gen at the hands of balrog but that would be too interesting. gen gets the better of balrog boiling his face and then eventualy his body with a steam pipe. then we find out guess what. the white rose isn't a weapon it's people..it's peopppelllleee (soilent green refereance anyone anyone...no..okay.) or a person to be exact it's a girl and gen figures it's all the goodness bison had he channeled into the baby.[link] "what a twist!" don't you start too....er how he got the baby into someone elses care all this time without explaining what happened to the baby or why he had blood splatter all over his face or where his wife is...oh plot holes you ARE this movies best friend.

bison makes it back to his hide out on a chopter with the white rose charlie had it tracked so chun-li gen and charlie are in hot pursuit.

so bison tells her in that irish broawd how beautiful the white rose is and makes her feel specail as all daddys do for their little girls. when he is informed that there is no word from balrog...so bison leaves her with but a gaurd outside her door telling said gaurd " if anything happens to her,i'll kill you first." yeahh.

charlie goes around killing gaurds while gen roots around looking for rose and then bison finds the trail of dead people like a bread crumb trail. bison goes back to the room where rose is only to find it empty then gen steps out from beinde the door. see gen used to be in bisons organization till he got disgusted and desided to do something with his life. like play with his balls...of fire.

so bison and gen fight and end up outside where bison impales gens leg on a metal rod for whatever reason. honestly by this time i don't really care. he's about to kill gen when who shoudl arrive just in the nick of time...why it's chun-li..now with kunkfu grip. so they fight and fight and fight with chun li having the upper hand most of the time.

you know the drill victory seems envitable...then bison fights back harder and gains the upper hand. does moves in slow motion to make it look more powerful and bad ass then it actualy is until...bison says "fathers have a soft spot for their daughters, that's how i brought yours down." hmmm profetic maybe....anyways cun lee pulls a convienntly placed rope that makes a cart fly down a small track and knock bison off gaurd. while he is rubbing construction mateiral out of his eyes she goes premenstral on his ass and throws a fucking fire ball. why she get her powers from the game and even a ...pun intended..spinning bird kick and yet bison speaks with an irish accent and has no powers makes no sense to me. she knocks him onto a second level of construction jsut below where they were fighting.

charlie brings out rose and bison gets on last look at her. before chun-li jumps down,crosses her ankles,grips bisons head and then twists as she falls past his turning his head compeltely backwards. [link] i wish i could have done this as soon as the baison got on screen i thing viewing the auidence behinde me would have been more entertianing.


so chun-li lee meets up with nash who tells her his whole name is charlie...charlie nash know you like in steetfighter alpha. she nash in the game as a paramilitary badass specail forces police like interpol he was partners with guile who for whatever reason isn't in this movie..because that would make more sense. i bet most of you don't have any idea who charlie nash is. well he was who got turned into blank in streetfigther.

so chun-li leaves,shadaloa is dissolved and no one knows anyone was involved in it. charlie meets up with maya once more after unwitty banter we get to the final straw of our little plot holes. remember when charlie and maya kissed and what she said...well they aprt with ehr saying and i qoute. "if you get lonely at night, don't call me." after you said that long unnessasary kiss on the stake out needed to happen. uuuh it's positively repellant.


cut to...aww who gives a crap. most of the loose ends are tied up and gen hints at a streetfighter tournament with a reckloose fighter neamed "ryu or something." is this a set up for a sequal??? well much like the sequal clause in her contract,chun-li turns it down. and the movie is over.

--------------------------------------------- SUMMMARY-------------------------

In short this movie sucks. they have big named actors but poor story,blatant plot holes,boaring action and actors from competing fighter movies that just make you feel so wrong. they play against the characters and put things in the movie for no reason that aren't pysicaly or genetical possible.
this movie is and always was something thrown together just to support streetfighter 4 which it does...horrribly.

if you love horribly cheese movies where actors phone in their performances then you'll love this movie if not stay away from it...rent megashark vs mega octopuss instead it's so much more deserving of your money if you have to rent something. i could stand it till bison came in that's as far as i could make it.

well that's my opinon and i'm sticking to it.